Happy Holidays From Vinnie the Christ

Ay-O! Vinnie the Christ here, patron saint of all the guidos. How you doin'? North Shore is like watching a fricking family reunion (Mom's side). But I'm here to talk to you all about Christmas, specifically all you whiny douchebags who keep flapping your gums about the so-called "War on Christmas". Lighten up, you crybabies. First of all, there is no war on Christmas. How do I know? Ay-O, I would know. Someone would tell me and it sure as fuck wouldn't be Glen Beck and his magic underwear.

Secondly, my brother always gets kinda moody and disappears around this time of year. Maybe it's the cold weather (we're from desert climates, bitches), but I think mostly it's because his birthday is June 5th. Does anyone wish the Son of God Happy Birthday on June 5th? Fuck no, because the church brainwashed all you assholes into thinking he was born on December 25th.

Thirdly, do you think the average retail worker is really part of some vast shadowy network of anti-Christian warriors? Please. Most of these kids can't even give you correct change. For example: Terri is a 19 year old community college student who clerks at a toy store to pay her tuition. Sometimes when she needs extra cash, she "dances" under the name "Ginger" at Big Al's in Peoria. Vinnie's not one to judge, except when it comes to her rack, which is fucking Biblical. O! What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Christmas. Terri's bosses instruct her and the other employees to say "Happy Holidays". That way they include everyone and not just their Christian customers. Makes sense, right, especially in these shitty economic times. A Muslim dollar is just as good as a Christian dollar. Besides, Abdullah might be Muslim, but his little daughter still wants the latest Spank Me Elmo doll or whatever the fuck.

Fourthly, who gives a crap about calling it Xmas? Makes perfect sense to me and it's my fucking name. Stop being so sensitive. Xmas, Xtina, Vinnie the X . . . I like it. It makes me sound militant.

So O'Reilly, Beck, Hannity, Michelles Malkin and Bachman, stop bringing everybody down. Nobody likes to be around a drag at this time of year. (Hey Michelle Malkin, if you're nice, I've got a little something for you that I think will help. The juice from my wang has been known to cure leprosy, raise the dead, and make blind women see the light. I think there's still a good chance that I can fuck the crazy right of you. I'm willing to give it a shot or three. It's too late for Ann Coulter, though. Her name is inscribed in Lucifer's books.)

Now that I'm done ranting, Happy Holidays motherfuckers. Always remember that Jesus loves you, but Vinnie will beat your ass with a motorcycle chain. Smooches.

Letters to Vinnie: 9/4/09

Ay-O! Vinnie the C here. I just wanted to share a few of the notes I've gotten over the past week or so. I'll try to answer as best I can.

Sara White from Salt Lake City, Utah writes:

Dear Vinnie. I am a born again Christian and sophomore at Brigam Young. I've read the Bible and the Book of Mormon and I can't find any refrence to you anywhere. What gives? Also I'm having really bad thoughts about my roommate, Kristen. Is it wrong if I think she's pretty? Or if I spy on her in the shower? Sara.
Ay-O, Sara. First of all, no pics? Come on! Secondly, all records of me were excised from the Bible after I nailed Mary Magdalene's sister. I had a guy write the Book of Vincent, but we ran out of rolling paper one night and so we used the scroll. Man, that was an epic high! Jesus being omnipotent, he tells me that Kristen is spying on you, too. If two pretty college girls loving each other is wrong, then there ain't no right in this world. Send pics. Seriously.

Cindy Kessler of Moose Lick, Alaska writes:

Dear Mr. Christ. How is your brother? I hope he's doing okay. Mommy says you're sacrilicious, but I don't know what that means. I have a question for you. My Sunday school teacher told us the story of Noah and the Ark and how Noah saved all the animals. How come he didn't save the unicorns? My teacher told me that unicorns aren't real, but that can't be right cause how else would there be pictures of them? I really like unicorns. Cindy.

How you doin', Cindy? My brother is doing just fine. He's got this whole Kane from Kung Fu thing going right now, just walking around the country, trying to get his head together. As for why there are no unicorns, unicorns were motherfucking tasty, that's why. Imagine the best steak you ever had. Now imagine being hand fed that steak by a naked Mila Kunis while her twin sister gives you the blowjob of the millenium. That's what unicorn tasted like, kids! They were extinct long before Noah built his floating stable.

Dan from Red Bay, Alabama writes:

Hey asshole, this really isn't funny, pretending to be the brother of Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. You are an insult to good Christians like me and my family. How dare you mock my religion and values. If you really are the brother of the Messiah, where's your birth certificate? How dare you support gay marriage and socialized medicine! How dare you insult the greatest Real American, Glenn Beck! You're scum and I hope you rot in hell with the faggots, ni**ers, and the rest of Satan's scum! You make me sick. Dan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa there Danny boy. First of all my birth certifacte was chisled into a rock a couple thousand years ago. Not exactly convienient to carry around. Last I saw of it, I think one of the apostles was using it to prop up his dining room table. Secondly, I don't hate Glenn Beck. I feel sorry for him, like I do for any other mentally handicapped person. I mean, fuck, the guy's even written a couple of books. That's pretty good for a guy with the IQ of patio furniture. Dan, just remember that my brother loves you, even if you are a hate-filled sack of crap, but if you ever come near me, I will bust your head open. Jesus always was a turn the other check kind of dude, but that's not how Vinnie rolls.

All right dudes and dudettes, that's the mail for this week. Feel free to drop me a line at vinniethechrist@gmail.com

Vincent T. Christ, Esquire.

Vinnie the Christ and the Temple of Shame

Ay-O, Vinnie the C here, how you doin'? Welcome to the first edition of Vinnie's Temple of Shame. It's kinda like the Temple of Doom, only with beer and coldcuts. Since this is the first time I'm doin' this, we gotta a lot of ground to cover. There's been a lot of jerkasses out there in the world lately and I got somethin' to say to some of them.

Michael Steele. Welcome to the TOS, Mikey. I have a feeling you may become a regular resident. It takes real cajones to tell a woman whose mother died from cancer because she couldn't afford insurance or treatment, "Congratulations, you'll probably make the news." As if she's only outraged about her mother dying just so she could make the Keith Olberman show. There's a special circle of hell waiting for guys like you. Trust me, I know.

In the same vein we have Lynn Jenkins of Kansas, belittling a waitress who can't afford health care for herself or her son. Apparently, all she needs is to "grow up" and she'll magically be able to afford health coverage. So much for the Republicans trying to be the party of the people. I guess 'Elizabeth the Waitress' doesn't have quite the same ring as 'Joe the Plumber'.

(By the way, here's what Vinnie doesn't get. If Congress passes a health care bill with an included public option, how is the government introducing socialized medicine? The public option isn't free as people would have to pay for it. It would hopefully stimulate some price competition with private insurers, which could only benefit the consumer. That sounds pretty capitalist to me, but what the fuck do I know? My brother's the omnipotent one.)

Any of the people who are angry and upset that President Obama would dare give a televised talk to children about education. It's come to this? Really? It's not as if the Pres is gonna give elementary school kids a stump speech about healthcare and cap and trade. He's gonna encourage kids to work hard, stay in school, and be good citizens. People seriously have a problem with this? Life is too short for this crap. Obama is the President, whether you voted for him or not. Who better to speak to kids about the benefits of education then the leader of the free world?

Michael Scheuer. This former CIA guy is the one who said that the best thing that could happen to the US was to be attacked by terrorists again. Seriously. And now he's saying the president is giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Sheesh. And I thought I was paranoid.

Glenn Beck. Oh man. Where did this guy come from? I asked my brother about Glenn and he just winced and walked away----across Lake Superior. I've seen a lot of shitheads in my time, but this guy . . . I really got nothin' to say about him other then the fact that he's completely fuckball batshit insane.

Texas. Go ahead, secede. You do realize that there's no way in holy hell that the federal government is going to let you keep all the military hardware scattered across Texas's various military bases, dontcha? The US will take all that shit back and make Puerto Rico the 50th state just so they won't have to change any of the flags. I give it about a month before Texas is part of Mexico. Take Alaska with you and Sarah Palin really will be able to see Russia from her house. It'll be all around her after they take over.

That's all for today. There's still plenty more douchenozzles out there, but I'm out of coldcuts. I'm going to a strip club.



Remember Sinners:


Hey kids, now you can e-mail questions and comments to Vinnie the Christ at vinniethechrist@gmail.com. Make sure you have your parents' permission.

Vinnie on Health Care

Ay-oh motherfuckers, it's your pal Vinnie the Christ. I wanna talk to you about health care. Seems like there's been a lot of lies and misdirection going on. Some people are saying that President Obama wants to convene death panels and pull the plug on the elderly. What a bunch of horseshit. All the bill wants to do is provide compensation for your doctor when you discuss your living will with them. Do you know how much it costs to talk over that shit with a lawyer? The government actually wants to save the people money and suddenly the president is a jackbooted Nazi thug. For my brother's sake, come on!

I gotta say, I'm disappointed in my buddy BHO. He's pulling that public option off the table pretty quick, considering he's got the majority needed to pass the bill. It's sweet that he wants to play nice with the conservatives, but its time to sack up and do what's best for the country. Come on Barack, put your balls where your mouth was a few months ago.

Another thing, I keep hearing people call this socialized medicine. How is the public option socialized medicine when Americans are still going to have to pay to get it? If it's a lower cost option, then won't that encourage private insurers to offer some competitive rates? Isn't that called capitalism? But hey, what the fuck do I know, I'm just the illegimate sibling of the supreme being.

Enough of this Shit

I've had it with all this "birther" nonsense. Just. Fucking. Stop. President Obama has already released his birth certificate, as provided by the state of Hawaii. But this wasn't good enough for you bunch of whiners. It's not the "long form" birth certificate. Wah. The state of Hawaii doesn't release the orginal BC. No matter who you are, if you request a BC from Hawaii, they give you a document which looks exactly like the one President Obama released to the public. NO exceptions.

Ooh, he's the president, you whine. If he wanted to, he could get the original, you say. Maybe he could, but why should he? The document he provided is perfectly acceptable, unless you're a complete whackjob. Another good reason he shouldn't exercise his presidential authority to force Hawaii to release the original is because as soon as he did so, Rush Limbaugh and other conservative douchenozzles would jump all over him for "overstepping" his presidential authority and overriding state laws. They'd use that as an excuse to stir their listeners into a frenzy by telling them President Obama is acting like a dictator without regard for the law.

Honestly, if Barack Obama wasn't a US citizen, don't you think the McCain campaign would have found this out? What about the Clinton campaign? Do you really think Hillary would have played nice and not disclosed this information? Both of these campaigns spent millions of dollars running against President Obama. Do you think maybe they might have looked into his background at all? Sweet everloving Vinnie, I am sick of this shit.

Look no one is saying you have to like the president or agree with his politics. I'm the last person who would discourage a dissenting opinion, not after the last 8 years we spent with Captain Funnypants running the show. Dissent away. But please, just stop with the nonsense. You may not like him, but that doesn't make him any less of an American.

Vinnie's Back

Hey bitches, what's up? I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted here. Lotta shit went down while Vinnie the C was on vacation. The worst news was that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, passed away at fifty. At least he got a few more years on Earth than the deal my brother got. Hoo boy.

And that crazy bitch in Alaska has decided to abdicate her governorship. Now she can concentrate on squeezing out more kids while hunting moose from a snowmobile. Maybe that priest missed some of the witches in her head. I know she thinks she's got the inside track to God, but I've never seen her at any of the meetings. If she runs for president on 2012, do you really want to vote for a quitter? If she couldn't handle the workload in Alaska, how is she going to run all fifty states?

I gotta go kids, Michael's gonna show the Christ brothers how to moonwalk. Good news, in heaven, he's black again!

Vinnie Says Chill the Fuck Out

Ay-Oh! Vinnie the Christ here, what's shaking blogosphere? Has it been a crazy fucking week or what? I've got a message from my brother for all of yous. Jesus says chill the fuck out, paisanos. All this fussing and fighting over gay rights, abortion, liberalism, conservatism . . .

Look, it's all just stupid bullshit, okay? Everybody needs to take a deep breath and just calm down. It's not worth shooting people over. The Beatles said it best when they said Let It Be. Course I'm more of an Elvis man myself. So settle down. Live and let live. Smoke a joint, get laid, read the Bible . . . it's all good.

Everybody got that? Good. Now quit fucking shit up down there or you'll have to deal with me. I've got your Messiah right here! Ay-Oh!

We Don't Need Another Hero

Listen up Far Right Anti-Abortion Extremists: Scott Roeder ain't no hero. Gunning down an unarmed man in his church is the cowardly act of a terrorist, hardly an act of heroism. Dr. George Tiller's occupation may be anathema to you, but that does not give anyone the right to take his life. I am so tired of this schism in American politics. Abortion is legal and in some cases, medically necessary. Many of the late term abortions Dr. Tiller performed were necessary to ensure the survival of the woman in question, but I'm that doesn't matter to the so-called Pro-Lifers. Is the woman's life supposed to be forfeit in these cases? Are women little more then breathing baby incubators? Dr. Tiller was one of three providers in the country who performed these services for women in need. Now there's one less and the US Marshals have been called in to protect the others.

This crime is absolutely terrorism and I would lock Mr. Roeder up with others of his ilk. Anyone who participates in the intimidation of or commits violent acts against people performing a legal service should be considered a domestic terrorist and dealt with accordingly. I find it absolutely abhorrent that there are people celebrating this man's death and claiming it as a victory. A family man and respected doctor is dead simply because there are some individuals out there who refuse to respect the law and what it stands for.

Stupid is as Stupid Does

I thought this was a made up story at first, but apparently it's not. Some asshat named Mark Krikorian has evidently decided that it's reprehensible that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has a funny last name that's hard for him to pronounce. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Prickorian-er, sorry, Krikorian should go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. If you're too stupid to pronounce someone's name the way it should be pronounced, perhaps you need to rethink your present career path and do something a little simpler. I suggest crash test dummy. He won't have to pronounce any tough words or deal with any brown people.

See, the beautiful thing about America, Mark, is that we're home to all kinds of people who have brought their cultural heritage here and joined in the great melting pot that is this nation. If you can't get with the program, why don't you get the fuck out?

Travesty of Justice: Daniel Choi

This is one of the most retarded things I've ever heard of. Lt. Daniel Choi, West Point graduate and Arab linguist is being released from the Army due to his sexual orientation. This is completely fucked up. Every year, the Armed Forces lose thousands of men and women like Lt. Choi simply because we can't allow them to be who they really are. Here is a decorated soldier and an Arab linguist, something the military desperately needs more of, and he's not allowed to serve the country he loves. Who cares if he's gay? He's obviously a skilled soldier and patriot, as are many homosexual men and women. Numbers have shown that enlistment is dropping, so why would the military willfully turn away from an untapped source of soldiers? President Obama, Congress, I implore you to reverse this archaic law and allow these fine Americans to serve their country without having to be deceptive.

Knights Out did a phone in protest yesterday, but I imagine you can still call the White House and offer your support for Lt. Choi. The White House Switchboard number is: 202-456-1111

Gay Marriage Should Be Federally Mandated

I'll confess, I don't get why gay marriage is such a big deal and legal hot potato. To me, it's a pretty simple issue. We have a segment of the American people who are being denied legal rights to which they are entitled as American citizens. That is wrong and should be addressed. There needs to be a federal law legalizing gay marriage. Any state law denying gay marriage is unconstitutional and should be stricken from the books. I sympathize with the religious folks, but the fact of the matter is that this is a nation based on laws and rights, not based on religion. President Obama was right on when he said this is not a Christian Nation. America is a nation made up of many faiths. We have laws that protect that faith, but in turn protect us from being ruled by any one faith-see the First Amendment. There is no legal reason to deny homosexual men and women the right to join with their partner. Denying these people the same partner benefits heterosexual unions enjoy is unconstitutional and a violation of their rights as citizens of this country.

Bu-but the Bible Says It's Wrong. The Bible says a lot of things. In Leviticus, the Bible says not to eat shellfish or not to wear clothes woven from multiple kinds of cloth. There are also elaborate rituals described to purify oneself after coming in contact with a menstruating woman. As far as I know, none of these procedures are being followed today. Why do Christians feel the need to cherrypick this one law, that "man shall not lay down with man" out of this jumble of confusing and sometimes contradictory ordinances? If you're going to enforce the one, you have to abide by the others as well. Until I see modern day Christians wearing sackcloth and sacrificing bulls to purify themselves after touching a woman on the rag, then you can just keep your "Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve" signs to yourself, thank you very much. To do otherwise is hypocrisy.

The Slippery Slope Argument. This is my favorite and the most stupid of all the arguments against gay marriage/gay acceptance. The idea behind the slippery slope is that if we allow the gay lifestyle and marriage to be accepted, then we will have to allow pedophiles and other perverts to have rights and privileges as well. This is patently false and allow me to explain why: A gay marriage law needs to be worded as to allow two consenting adults permission to marry and be afforded all the rights inherent to that condition.

Wording the law in this way prevents the problems Christians seem convinced will follow from allowing their homosexual fellow Americans to have the same rights they themselves enjoy. People should not be allowed to marry children. I don't care how much you think you "love" a child. A child is not a consenting adult and thus it would be illegal to marry a child. People should not marry animals. You may love Barney the Wonder Sheep and Barney may love you (but I doubt it). Barney is not a consenting adult and therefore you can't marry him. Ditto for your toaster, your car, or any of the other bizarro things Christians seem to believe gay marriage will lead to. Say it with me again: consenting adults. It's amazing how many "problems" those two words can solve.

One thing this law would open the door for is bigamy. So long as the parties involved are all consenting adults, I could give a rat's ass. If you're stupid enough to marry more than one person, feel free to enjoy all the hassle that comes with it. Just as long as you're not living in a commune somewhere, breeding girl children to marry them off to sweaty Humbert Humberts at the age of 14, I have no problem with you.

And finally, let me suggest to you that I don't think anyone wants to have a gay pride parade down the aisle of your local church. If your church doesn't want to allow a gay marriage to take place on its premises, it shouldn't have to. That handy First Amendment protects you in that regard. I respect your right to disapprove of gay marriage, but I don't believe any church or religion should have the power to make laws that decide the fate of the citizens of this country, especially those not part of that religion. It's fine if you personally want to live your life by those laws, but the rest of the country shouldn't be forced to go along with you. That's why most of our ancestors left their countries of origin to begin with, to forge a republic free of state sanctioned religion.

Welcome to Mythological Inches!

Greetings and salutations. For those of you who don't know, I blog for two Cub blogs: one good (Thunder Matt's Saloon) and one mediocre (Effectively Wild). Be warned, this is NOT a Cubs blog. I created this blog because I have crazy ideas and rants that I don't wish to express on either of the above blogs, as not to offend anyone. Here, however, all bets are off. This site will serve as mouthpiece for my various generally left leaning rants. Some of my opinions will make sense, others will not, and sometimes I contradict myself. That's life, folks. Don't expect much content to begin with. I can barely write for the two blogs I'm already on, but if I've learned anything from the Bush Administration, it's if you're going to fail, fail epically!

And yes, the name of the blog is inspired by the episode of the Daily Show featuring the graphic pictured. Welcome to MI!