Friday, September 4, 2009

Letters to Vinnie: 9/4/09

Ay-O! Vinnie the C here. I just wanted to share a few of the notes I've gotten over the past week or so. I'll try to answer as best I can.

Sara White from Salt Lake City, Utah writes:

Dear Vinnie. I am a born again Christian and sophomore at Brigam Young. I've read the Bible and the Book of Mormon and I can't find any refrence to you anywhere. What gives? Also I'm having really bad thoughts about my roommate, Kristen. Is it wrong if I think she's pretty? Or if I spy on her in the shower? Sara.
Ay-O, Sara. First of all, no pics? Come on! Secondly, all records of me were excised from the Bible after I nailed Mary Magdalene's sister. I had a guy write the Book of Vincent, but we ran out of rolling paper one night and so we used the scroll. Man, that was an epic high! Jesus being omnipotent, he tells me that Kristen is spying on you, too. If two pretty college girls loving each other is wrong, then there ain't no right in this world. Send pics. Seriously.

Cindy Kessler of Moose Lick, Alaska writes:

Dear Mr. Christ. How is your brother? I hope he's doing okay. Mommy says you're sacrilicious, but I don't know what that means. I have a question for you. My Sunday school teacher told us the story of Noah and the Ark and how Noah saved all the animals. How come he didn't save the unicorns? My teacher told me that unicorns aren't real, but that can't be right cause how else would there be pictures of them? I really like unicorns. Cindy.

How you doin', Cindy? My brother is doing just fine. He's got this whole Kane from Kung Fu thing going right now, just walking around the country, trying to get his head together. As for why there are no unicorns, unicorns were motherfucking tasty, that's why. Imagine the best steak you ever had. Now imagine being hand fed that steak by a naked Mila Kunis while her twin sister gives you the blowjob of the millenium. That's what unicorn tasted like, kids! They were extinct long before Noah built his floating stable.

Dan from Red Bay, Alabama writes:

Hey asshole, this really isn't funny, pretending to be the brother of Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. You are an insult to good Christians like me and my family. How dare you mock my religion and values. If you really are the brother of the Messiah, where's your birth certificate? How dare you support gay marriage and socialized medicine! How dare you insult the greatest Real American, Glenn Beck! You're scum and I hope you rot in hell with the faggots, ni**ers, and the rest of Satan's scum! You make me sick. Dan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa there Danny boy. First of all my birth certifacte was chisled into a rock a couple thousand years ago. Not exactly convienient to carry around. Last I saw of it, I think one of the apostles was using it to prop up his dining room table. Secondly, I don't hate Glenn Beck. I feel sorry for him, like I do for any other mentally handicapped person. I mean, fuck, the guy's even written a couple of books. That's pretty good for a guy with the IQ of patio furniture. Dan, just remember that my brother loves you, even if you are a hate-filled sack of crap, but if you ever come near me, I will bust your head open. Jesus always was a turn the other check kind of dude, but that's not how Vinnie rolls.

All right dudes and dudettes, that's the mail for this week. Feel free to drop me a line at

Vincent T. Christ, Esquire.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Vinnie the Christ and the Temple of Shame

Ay-O, Vinnie the C here, how you doin'? Welcome to the first edition of Vinnie's Temple of Shame. It's kinda like the Temple of Doom, only with beer and coldcuts. Since this is the first time I'm doin' this, we gotta a lot of ground to cover. There's been a lot of jerkasses out there in the world lately and I got somethin' to say to some of them.

Michael Steele. Welcome to the TOS, Mikey. I have a feeling you may become a regular resident. It takes real cajones to tell a woman whose mother died from cancer because she couldn't afford insurance or treatment, "Congratulations, you'll probably make the news." As if she's only outraged about her mother dying just so she could make the Keith Olberman show. There's a special circle of hell waiting for guys like you. Trust me, I know.

In the same vein we have Lynn Jenkins of Kansas, belittling a waitress who can't afford health care for herself or her son. Apparently, all she needs is to "grow up" and she'll magically be able to afford health coverage. So much for the Republicans trying to be the party of the people. I guess 'Elizabeth the Waitress' doesn't have quite the same ring as 'Joe the Plumber'.

(By the way, here's what Vinnie doesn't get. If Congress passes a health care bill with an included public option, how is the government introducing socialized medicine? The public option isn't free as people would have to pay for it. It would hopefully stimulate some price competition with private insurers, which could only benefit the consumer. That sounds pretty capitalist to me, but what the fuck do I know? My brother's the omnipotent one.)

Any of the people who are angry and upset that President Obama would dare give a televised talk to children about education. It's come to this? Really? It's not as if the Pres is gonna give elementary school kids a stump speech about healthcare and cap and trade. He's gonna encourage kids to work hard, stay in school, and be good citizens. People seriously have a problem with this? Life is too short for this crap. Obama is the President, whether you voted for him or not. Who better to speak to kids about the benefits of education then the leader of the free world?

Michael Scheuer. This former CIA guy is the one who said that the best thing that could happen to the US was to be attacked by terrorists again. Seriously. And now he's saying the president is giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Sheesh. And I thought I was paranoid.

Glenn Beck. Oh man. Where did this guy come from? I asked my brother about Glenn and he just winced and walked away----across Lake Superior. I've seen a lot of shitheads in my time, but this guy . . . I really got nothin' to say about him other then the fact that he's completely fuckball batshit insane.

Texas. Go ahead, secede. You do realize that there's no way in holy hell that the federal government is going to let you keep all the military hardware scattered across Texas's various military bases, dontcha? The US will take all that shit back and make Puerto Rico the 50th state just so they won't have to change any of the flags. I give it about a month before Texas is part of Mexico. Take Alaska with you and Sarah Palin really will be able to see Russia from her house. It'll be all around her after they take over.

That's all for today. There's still plenty more douchenozzles out there, but I'm out of coldcuts. I'm going to a strip club.

Remember Sinners:

Hey kids, now you can e-mail questions and comments to Vinnie the Christ at Make sure you have your parents' permission.