Ay-O! Vinnie the Christ here, patron saint of all the guidos. How you doin'? North Shore is like watching a fricking family reunion (Mom's side). But I'm here to talk to you all about Christmas, specifically all you whiny douchebags who keep flapping your gums about the so-called "War on Christmas". Lighten up, you crybabies. First of all, there is no war on Christmas. How do I know? Ay-O, I would know. Someone would tell me and it sure as fuck wouldn't be Glen Beck and his magic underwear.
Secondly, my brother always gets kinda moody and disappears around this time of year. Maybe it's the cold weather (we're from desert climates, bitches), but I think mostly it's because his birthday is June 5th. Does anyone wish the Son of God Happy Birthday on June 5th? Fuck no, because the church brainwashed all you assholes into thinking he was born on December 25th.
Thirdly, do you think the average retail worker is really part of some vast shadowy network of anti-Christian warriors? Please. Most of these kids can't even give you correct change. For example: Terri is a 19 year old community college student who clerks at a toy store to pay her tuition. Sometimes when she needs extra cash, she "dances" under the name "Ginger" at Big Al's in Peoria. Vinnie's not one to judge, except when it comes to her rack, which is fucking Biblical. O! What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Christmas. Terri's bosses instruct her and the other employees to say "Happy Holidays". That way they include everyone and not just their Christian customers. Makes sense, right, especially in these shitty economic times. A Muslim dollar is just as good as a Christian dollar. Besides, Abdullah might be Muslim, but his little daughter still wants the latest Spank Me Elmo doll or whatever the fuck.
Fourthly, who gives a crap about calling it Xmas? Makes perfect sense to me and it's my fucking name. Stop being so sensitive. Xmas, Xtina, Vinnie the X . . . I like it. It makes me sound militant.
So O'Reilly, Beck, Hannity, Michelles Malkin and Bachman, stop bringing everybody down. Nobody likes to be around a drag at this time of year. (Hey Michelle Malkin, if you're nice, I've got a little something for you that I think will help. The juice from my wang has been known to cure leprosy, raise the dead, and make blind women see the light. I think there's still a good chance that I can fuck the crazy right of you. I'm willing to give it a shot or three. It's too late for Ann Coulter, though. Her name is inscribed in Lucifer's books.)
Now that I'm done ranting, Happy Holidays motherfuckers. Always remember that Jesus loves you, but Vinnie will beat your ass with a motorcycle chain. Smooches.