An Important Announcement From Vincent T. Christ

Ay-O motherfuckers, Vinnie's back! Did you miss me? Of course you didn't. I got a little announcement to make. I'm running for Governor of Illinois! Ay-O, how bout that? Vinnie the C's been sitting around watching this country lose its damn mind this past year and so I thought to myself, hey, its time I made a difference. I figure if all of these tea party bozos can win primaries, then surely El Vincenzo might have a chance.

Fuck, some of these people are really nuts, like the chick in Nevada who thinks fluoride in the water is a conspiracy, wants to abolish the IRS, and reinstate Prohibition. In Nevada? Lady, there ain't nothing to do in Nevada but drink, fuck, and gamble. Hell, drinking leads to fucking and gambling. Then there's that other jerk who doesn't like the Civil Rights Act. Besides, look at the other gubernatorial candidates, Bill Brady and Pat Quinn. You've got to ask yourself, how bad could Vinnie really be?

I know that no party would be crazy enough to run ol' Vinnie. First off, no one's gonna believe that I'm really the brother of the man who walks on water. That's cool. I look like an extra from Sons of Anarchy, so I get it. Plus I lean so far left, I make Barack Obama look like an Imperial Grand Wizard. So I'm running as a member of the Demonized Party. Over the next few weeks look for updates on my campaign and I'll present my platform. Your mom will like it. O!

Demonized

Ever since the election of Barack Obama to the Presidency, I've watched as the country around me dissolved into a frothy stew of outrage, racism, and hatred. I guess this is nothing new, but lately it seems to have reached a level of vitriol that leaves me almost ill. All of my pride in America following the Obama election has been dashed away by the snarl of the Tea Party, the sheer idiocy of the Birthers, and the weapons grade stupid that continues to be pushed by the Far Right. At this point, I really feel like I have no country. The person I voted for sits in the office, but he is sneered at and dismissed as a Kenyan or a Muslim, despite his Christian background. No matter, I guess, as Bush was certainly handed his fair share of personal attacks while he held the office, but there's an insidiousness that surrounds the jibes leveled at Obama that I didn't see in the attacks on Bush. And there's no satisfying these assholes. When Bush was in office and I opposed his policies, I was called anti-American and told to respect the office of the President. With Obama in the office, I'm still called anti-American and a socialist. Now that Obama is in charge, it's okay to talk about overthrowing the government, and watering the tree of liberty.

Along with the smears aimed at the president, there now is a rampant anti-intellectualism present in America, personified by the likes of Christine O'Donnell, Sarah Palin, and Glen Beck. These people refuse to believe in science and scorn those who seek knowledge, dismissing them as "elitist". What's worse is that they are seeking to rewrite the history of our nation itself to create this fictional utopian theocracy that never existed. They claim that they want to take their country "back", but they want to return America to a way of life that never existed. America was never a "Christian" nation. We have been a nation with Christians in it, along with Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Wiccans, Druids, and Lord knows what else. The Founding Fathers knew the dangers of theocracy and drew the line in the sand in the First Amendment of the Constitution. "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." In other words, you're free to practice your religion, but don't force it on the rest of the country. Because this doesn't align with their view of history, they choose to ignore this part of the Constitution, as they do other parts that are inconvenient to their vision of America.

Most of all, I'm tired of how the Right has made "progressive" and "liberal" dirty words. I'm tired of seeing Democrats refuse to fight back and stand up for the principles they supposedly believe in. I don't make enough money for Republican policy to benefit me. Trickle down economics is a farce and a lie. The Tea Partiers claim to be for smaller government and individual freedoms, but only if you subscribe to their fruity religious claptrap. So fuck em all. If I can't be "progressive", "liberal", or "intellectual". then I will be "Demonized". According to these dippy assholes, I'm going to hell anyway, so screw it.

This November, make sure you get your asses out and vote and when you do, vote Demonized. Vote against any of these willfully ignorant, Bible-thumping, tax-cut promoting dickholes who refuse to recognize proven science and seek to rewrite American History. Vote Democrat if you have to, but don't let any of these turnip-brained anti-intellectuals have their way.

Health Care Passes

Wow, color me impressed. The House managed to pass the health care bill. Of course, there was a lot of teeth-gnashing and whining from the opposition. An ardently pro-life Democrat was called a baby-killer, a gay Democrat was called a faggot, and some black Dems were called niggers. Oh, and a few bricks were thrown through some Democrat office windows/doors by some people too cowardly to stick around and have a civil debate. Almost like it's still 1951, ain't it?

It's been two days since the historic bill was passed and as I look out my window, I see that America is still out there. We still have freedom and the Stars and Stripes is still flying. As evidenced by the vitriol percolating on the far right websites, freedom of speech is still going strong. To all of those who cry that this is socialism, communism, fascism, I say to them, shake of your ignorance. Read the bill. Look at what is actually being voted into law. There are no death panels and no one will tell you what insurance company to buy from. What this will do is protect you from the predatory practices of those self-same insurance companies. If you're interested in learning about how the bill will gradually go into effect, you can read about it here.

Congratulations America, on finally joining the 20th Century. Let's see if we can work our way up to the 21st over the next decade or so.

Happy Holidays From Vinnie the Christ

Ay-O! Vinnie the Christ here, patron saint of all the guidos. How you doin'? North Shore is like watching a fricking family reunion (Mom's side). But I'm here to talk to you all about Christmas, specifically all you whiny douchebags who keep flapping your gums about the so-called "War on Christmas". Lighten up, you crybabies. First of all, there is no war on Christmas. How do I know? Ay-O, I would know. Someone would tell me and it sure as fuck wouldn't be Glen Beck and his magic underwear.

Secondly, my brother always gets kinda moody and disappears around this time of year. Maybe it's the cold weather (we're from desert climates, bitches), but I think mostly it's because his birthday is June 5th. Does anyone wish the Son of God Happy Birthday on June 5th? Fuck no, because the church brainwashed all you assholes into thinking he was born on December 25th.

Thirdly, do you think the average retail worker is really part of some vast shadowy network of anti-Christian warriors? Please. Most of these kids can't even give you correct change. For example: Terri is a 19 year old community college student who clerks at a toy store to pay her tuition. Sometimes when she needs extra cash, she "dances" under the name "Ginger" at Big Al's in Peoria. Vinnie's not one to judge, except when it comes to her rack, which is fucking Biblical. O! What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Christmas. Terri's bosses instruct her and the other employees to say "Happy Holidays". That way they include everyone and not just their Christian customers. Makes sense, right, especially in these shitty economic times. A Muslim dollar is just as good as a Christian dollar. Besides, Abdullah might be Muslim, but his little daughter still wants the latest Spank Me Elmo doll or whatever the fuck.

Fourthly, who gives a crap about calling it Xmas? Makes perfect sense to me and it's my fucking name. Stop being so sensitive. Xmas, Xtina, Vinnie the X . . . I like it. It makes me sound militant.

So O'Reilly, Beck, Hannity, Michelles Malkin and Bachman, stop bringing everybody down. Nobody likes to be around a drag at this time of year. (Hey Michelle Malkin, if you're nice, I've got a little something for you that I think will help. The juice from my wang has been known to cure leprosy, raise the dead, and make blind women see the light. I think there's still a good chance that I can fuck the crazy right of you. I'm willing to give it a shot or three. It's too late for Ann Coulter, though. Her name is inscribed in Lucifer's books.)

Now that I'm done ranting, Happy Holidays motherfuckers. Always remember that Jesus loves you, but Vinnie will beat your ass with a motorcycle chain. Smooches.

Letters to Vinnie: 9/4/09

Ay-O! Vinnie the C here. I just wanted to share a few of the notes I've gotten over the past week or so. I'll try to answer as best I can.

Sara White from Salt Lake City, Utah writes:

Dear Vinnie. I am a born again Christian and sophomore at Brigam Young. I've read the Bible and the Book of Mormon and I can't find any refrence to you anywhere. What gives? Also I'm having really bad thoughts about my roommate, Kristen. Is it wrong if I think she's pretty? Or if I spy on her in the shower? Sara.
Ay-O, Sara. First of all, no pics? Come on! Secondly, all records of me were excised from the Bible after I nailed Mary Magdalene's sister. I had a guy write the Book of Vincent, but we ran out of rolling paper one night and so we used the scroll. Man, that was an epic high! Jesus being omnipotent, he tells me that Kristen is spying on you, too. If two pretty college girls loving each other is wrong, then there ain't no right in this world. Send pics. Seriously.

Cindy Kessler of Moose Lick, Alaska writes:

Dear Mr. Christ. How is your brother? I hope he's doing okay. Mommy says you're sacrilicious, but I don't know what that means. I have a question for you. My Sunday school teacher told us the story of Noah and the Ark and how Noah saved all the animals. How come he didn't save the unicorns? My teacher told me that unicorns aren't real, but that can't be right cause how else would there be pictures of them? I really like unicorns. Cindy.

How you doin', Cindy? My brother is doing just fine. He's got this whole Kane from Kung Fu thing going right now, just walking around the country, trying to get his head together. As for why there are no unicorns, unicorns were motherfucking tasty, that's why. Imagine the best steak you ever had. Now imagine being hand fed that steak by a naked Mila Kunis while her twin sister gives you the blowjob of the millenium. That's what unicorn tasted like, kids! They were extinct long before Noah built his floating stable.

Dan from Red Bay, Alabama writes:

Hey asshole, this really isn't funny, pretending to be the brother of Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. You are an insult to good Christians like me and my family. How dare you mock my religion and values. If you really are the brother of the Messiah, where's your birth certificate? How dare you support gay marriage and socialized medicine! How dare you insult the greatest Real American, Glenn Beck! You're scum and I hope you rot in hell with the faggots, ni**ers, and the rest of Satan's scum! You make me sick. Dan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa there Danny boy. First of all my birth certifacte was chisled into a rock a couple thousand years ago. Not exactly convienient to carry around. Last I saw of it, I think one of the apostles was using it to prop up his dining room table. Secondly, I don't hate Glenn Beck. I feel sorry for him, like I do for any other mentally handicapped person. I mean, fuck, the guy's even written a couple of books. That's pretty good for a guy with the IQ of patio furniture. Dan, just remember that my brother loves you, even if you are a hate-filled sack of crap, but if you ever come near me, I will bust your head open. Jesus always was a turn the other check kind of dude, but that's not how Vinnie rolls.

All right dudes and dudettes, that's the mail for this week. Feel free to drop me a line at vinniethechrist@gmail.com

Vincent T. Christ, Esquire.

Vinnie the Christ and the Temple of Shame

Ay-O, Vinnie the C here, how you doin'? Welcome to the first edition of Vinnie's Temple of Shame. It's kinda like the Temple of Doom, only with beer and coldcuts. Since this is the first time I'm doin' this, we gotta a lot of ground to cover. There's been a lot of jerkasses out there in the world lately and I got somethin' to say to some of them.

Michael Steele. Welcome to the TOS, Mikey. I have a feeling you may become a regular resident. It takes real cajones to tell a woman whose mother died from cancer because she couldn't afford insurance or treatment, "Congratulations, you'll probably make the news." As if she's only outraged about her mother dying just so she could make the Keith Olberman show. There's a special circle of hell waiting for guys like you. Trust me, I know.

In the same vein we have Lynn Jenkins of Kansas, belittling a waitress who can't afford health care for herself or her son. Apparently, all she needs is to "grow up" and she'll magically be able to afford health coverage. So much for the Republicans trying to be the party of the people. I guess 'Elizabeth the Waitress' doesn't have quite the same ring as 'Joe the Plumber'.

(By the way, here's what Vinnie doesn't get. If Congress passes a health care bill with an included public option, how is the government introducing socialized medicine? The public option isn't free as people would have to pay for it. It would hopefully stimulate some price competition with private insurers, which could only benefit the consumer. That sounds pretty capitalist to me, but what the fuck do I know? My brother's the omnipotent one.)

Any of the people who are angry and upset that President Obama would dare give a televised talk to children about education. It's come to this? Really? It's not as if the Pres is gonna give elementary school kids a stump speech about healthcare and cap and trade. He's gonna encourage kids to work hard, stay in school, and be good citizens. People seriously have a problem with this? Life is too short for this crap. Obama is the President, whether you voted for him or not. Who better to speak to kids about the benefits of education then the leader of the free world?

Michael Scheuer. This former CIA guy is the one who said that the best thing that could happen to the US was to be attacked by terrorists again. Seriously. And now he's saying the president is giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Sheesh. And I thought I was paranoid.

Glenn Beck. Oh man. Where did this guy come from? I asked my brother about Glenn and he just winced and walked away----across Lake Superior. I've seen a lot of shitheads in my time, but this guy . . . I really got nothin' to say about him other then the fact that he's completely fuckball batshit insane.

Texas. Go ahead, secede. You do realize that there's no way in holy hell that the federal government is going to let you keep all the military hardware scattered across Texas's various military bases, dontcha? The US will take all that shit back and make Puerto Rico the 50th state just so they won't have to change any of the flags. I give it about a month before Texas is part of Mexico. Take Alaska with you and Sarah Palin really will be able to see Russia from her house. It'll be all around her after they take over.

That's all for today. There's still plenty more douchenozzles out there, but I'm out of coldcuts. I'm going to a strip club.



Remember Sinners:


Hey kids, now you can e-mail questions and comments to Vinnie the Christ at vinniethechrist@gmail.com. Make sure you have your parents' permission.

Vinnie on Health Care

Ay-oh motherfuckers, it's your pal Vinnie the Christ. I wanna talk to you about health care. Seems like there's been a lot of lies and misdirection going on. Some people are saying that President Obama wants to convene death panels and pull the plug on the elderly. What a bunch of horseshit. All the bill wants to do is provide compensation for your doctor when you discuss your living will with them. Do you know how much it costs to talk over that shit with a lawyer? The government actually wants to save the people money and suddenly the president is a jackbooted Nazi thug. For my brother's sake, come on!

I gotta say, I'm disappointed in my buddy BHO. He's pulling that public option off the table pretty quick, considering he's got the majority needed to pass the bill. It's sweet that he wants to play nice with the conservatives, but its time to sack up and do what's best for the country. Come on Barack, put your balls where your mouth was a few months ago.

Another thing, I keep hearing people call this socialized medicine. How is the public option socialized medicine when Americans are still going to have to pay to get it? If it's a lower cost option, then won't that encourage private insurers to offer some competitive rates? Isn't that called capitalism? But hey, what the fuck do I know, I'm just the illegimate sibling of the supreme being.