Hey dudes and dudettes, Vinnie the Christ here.  Just wanted to take some time out of my busy day chasing broads and slugging down Wild Turkey Rye to let my brothers and sisters know about an important cause.  As y'all know, the East Coast got pounded by a bitch named Sandy a few weeks back and there's still people struggling with recovery.  There's lots of organizations out there that can help, including the American Red Cross and others.

Since joining the Twitsophere, Vinnie came across Theo Rossi's Twitter feed, @TheoRossi.  Theo's a real cool brother who plays Juice on Sons of Anarchy and he's also from Staten Island, which got pummeled by the storm.  Not content to just sit back while his neighbors were struggling, Theo started coordinating efforts to help people out and eventually started a charity to raise money to aid in those efforts. 

You can check out his website at StatenStrong.  You can donate directly and/or buy some pretty cool swag to help the cause.  I just plunked down 25 bones to get a kickass t-shirt to help spread the word.  If you want to volunteer or if you're in need of assistance, there are links on this site to help you out.  If you've got some extra cashola and want to donate to a good cause where the money will end up right in the hands of the people making a difference, then go check this site out.  StatenStrong is also on Facebook and they have their own Twitter feed, @StatenStrong.  I know we're all struggling to a degree, but help out if you can.

Big love to all my East Coast dudes & dudettes!  Stay strong!  If there's any other organizations helping out, Vinnie'll be happy to give them a shout out.  You can e-mail me at vinniethechrist@gmail.com or send me a tweet at @VinnieTheChrist.

Armageddawha?

Hey, dudes and dudettes, Vinnie's back! I took an extended vacation to lick my wounds after being defeated soundly in my bid to become Governor of Illinois. I took a trip to the islands to work on my tan and nail some beach bunnies. Needless to say, I didn't get very tan!

So I get back to the States, pick up my hog from the shop, and I'm driving along when I see this:


So now I'm like what the fuck? So I whip out the ol' iPhone and I call up my broseph, intending to rip him a new one for not letting me in on the big event. I mean, I can understand being left out of the family reunions, but this is Armageddon we're talking about here, not brunch at the fucking K of C's. But Ay O, Jesus says he ain't coming back yet, but apparently some whackos have been playing around with the Bible and their calculators and have decided May 21st is the date of my bro's return. Not only that, but they've decided to spend money on advertising the fact with billboards and promotions.

This Camping asshole is the same doucheball who claimed my brother was returning in 1994. Didn't happen then, won't happen now bucko. Here's a thought: instead of wasting money on billboards predicting the end of the world, how about you spend it on feeding the homeless, funding orphanages, or just supporting people in need in your community? Rather than spreading fear, spread some love and compassion for your fellow man. My brother would dig that a whole hell of a lot more. You assholes keep acting like this and he ain't never coming back.

For the rest of you, I declare May 21st to be Anti-Armageddon Day. Grab a beer, grab some booty, and party like it really is the end of the world. I'll be the only Christ who shows up if you do.

An Important Announcement From Vincent T. Christ

Ay-O motherfuckers, Vinnie's back! Did you miss me? Of course you didn't. I got a little announcement to make. I'm running for Governor of Illinois! Ay-O, how bout that? Vinnie the C's been sitting around watching this country lose its damn mind this past year and so I thought to myself, hey, its time I made a difference. I figure if all of these tea party bozos can win primaries, then surely El Vincenzo might have a chance.

Fuck, some of these people are really nuts, like the chick in Nevada who thinks fluoride in the water is a conspiracy, wants to abolish the IRS, and reinstate Prohibition. In Nevada? Lady, there ain't nothing to do in Nevada but drink, fuck, and gamble. Hell, drinking leads to fucking and gambling. Then there's that other jerk who doesn't like the Civil Rights Act. Besides, look at the other gubernatorial candidates, Bill Brady and Pat Quinn. You've got to ask yourself, how bad could Vinnie really be?

I know that no party would be crazy enough to run ol' Vinnie. First off, no one's gonna believe that I'm really the brother of the man who walks on water. That's cool. I look like an extra from Sons of Anarchy, so I get it. Plus I lean so far left, I make Barack Obama look like an Imperial Grand Wizard. So I'm running as a member of the Demonized Party. Over the next few weeks look for updates on my campaign and I'll present my platform. Your mom will like it. O!

Happy Holidays From Vinnie the Christ

Ay-O! Vinnie the Christ here, patron saint of all the guidos. How you doin'? North Shore is like watching a fricking family reunion (Mom's side). But I'm here to talk to you all about Christmas, specifically all you whiny douchebags who keep flapping your gums about the so-called "War on Christmas". Lighten up, you crybabies. First of all, there is no war on Christmas. How do I know? Ay-O, I would know. Someone would tell me and it sure as fuck wouldn't be Glen Beck and his magic underwear.

Secondly, my brother always gets kinda moody and disappears around this time of year. Maybe it's the cold weather (we're from desert climates, bitches), but I think mostly it's because his birthday is June 5th. Does anyone wish the Son of God Happy Birthday on June 5th? Fuck no, because the church brainwashed all you assholes into thinking he was born on December 25th.

Thirdly, do you think the average retail worker is really part of some vast shadowy network of anti-Christian warriors? Please. Most of these kids can't even give you correct change. For example: Terri is a 19 year old community college student who clerks at a toy store to pay her tuition. Sometimes when she needs extra cash, she "dances" under the name "Ginger" at Big Al's in Peoria. Vinnie's not one to judge, except when it comes to her rack, which is fucking Biblical. O! What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Christmas. Terri's bosses instruct her and the other employees to say "Happy Holidays". That way they include everyone and not just their Christian customers. Makes sense, right, especially in these shitty economic times. A Muslim dollar is just as good as a Christian dollar. Besides, Abdullah might be Muslim, but his little daughter still wants the latest Spank Me Elmo doll or whatever the fuck.

Fourthly, who gives a crap about calling it Xmas? Makes perfect sense to me and it's my fucking name. Stop being so sensitive. Xmas, Xtina, Vinnie the X . . . I like it. It makes me sound militant.

So O'Reilly, Beck, Hannity, Michelles Malkin and Bachman, stop bringing everybody down. Nobody likes to be around a drag at this time of year. (Hey Michelle Malkin, if you're nice, I've got a little something for you that I think will help. The juice from my wang has been known to cure leprosy, raise the dead, and make blind women see the light. I think there's still a good chance that I can fuck the crazy right of you. I'm willing to give it a shot or three. It's too late for Ann Coulter, though. Her name is inscribed in Lucifer's books.)

Now that I'm done ranting, Happy Holidays motherfuckers. Always remember that Jesus loves you, but Vinnie will beat your ass with a motorcycle chain. Smooches.

Letters to Vinnie: 9/4/09

Ay-O! Vinnie the C here. I just wanted to share a few of the notes I've gotten over the past week or so. I'll try to answer as best I can.

Sara White from Salt Lake City, Utah writes:

Dear Vinnie. I am a born again Christian and sophomore at Brigam Young. I've read the Bible and the Book of Mormon and I can't find any refrence to you anywhere. What gives? Also I'm having really bad thoughts about my roommate, Kristen. Is it wrong if I think she's pretty? Or if I spy on her in the shower? Sara.
Ay-O, Sara. First of all, no pics? Come on! Secondly, all records of me were excised from the Bible after I nailed Mary Magdalene's sister. I had a guy write the Book of Vincent, but we ran out of rolling paper one night and so we used the scroll. Man, that was an epic high! Jesus being omnipotent, he tells me that Kristen is spying on you, too. If two pretty college girls loving each other is wrong, then there ain't no right in this world. Send pics. Seriously.

Cindy Kessler of Moose Lick, Alaska writes:

Dear Mr. Christ. How is your brother? I hope he's doing okay. Mommy says you're sacrilicious, but I don't know what that means. I have a question for you. My Sunday school teacher told us the story of Noah and the Ark and how Noah saved all the animals. How come he didn't save the unicorns? My teacher told me that unicorns aren't real, but that can't be right cause how else would there be pictures of them? I really like unicorns. Cindy.

How you doin', Cindy? My brother is doing just fine. He's got this whole Kane from Kung Fu thing going right now, just walking around the country, trying to get his head together. As for why there are no unicorns, unicorns were motherfucking tasty, that's why. Imagine the best steak you ever had. Now imagine being hand fed that steak by a naked Mila Kunis while her twin sister gives you the blowjob of the millenium. That's what unicorn tasted like, kids! They were extinct long before Noah built his floating stable.

Dan from Red Bay, Alabama writes:

Hey asshole, this really isn't funny, pretending to be the brother of Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. You are an insult to good Christians like me and my family. How dare you mock my religion and values. If you really are the brother of the Messiah, where's your birth certificate? How dare you support gay marriage and socialized medicine! How dare you insult the greatest Real American, Glenn Beck! You're scum and I hope you rot in hell with the faggots, ni**ers, and the rest of Satan's scum! You make me sick. Dan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa there Danny boy. First of all my birth certifacte was chisled into a rock a couple thousand years ago. Not exactly convienient to carry around. Last I saw of it, I think one of the apostles was using it to prop up his dining room table. Secondly, I don't hate Glenn Beck. I feel sorry for him, like I do for any other mentally handicapped person. I mean, fuck, the guy's even written a couple of books. That's pretty good for a guy with the IQ of patio furniture. Dan, just remember that my brother loves you, even if you are a hate-filled sack of crap, but if you ever come near me, I will bust your head open. Jesus always was a turn the other check kind of dude, but that's not how Vinnie rolls.

All right dudes and dudettes, that's the mail for this week. Feel free to drop me a line at vinniethechrist@gmail.com

Vincent T. Christ, Esquire.

Vinnie the Christ and the Temple of Shame

Ay-O, Vinnie the C here, how you doin'? Welcome to the first edition of Vinnie's Temple of Shame. It's kinda like the Temple of Doom, only with beer and coldcuts. Since this is the first time I'm doin' this, we gotta a lot of ground to cover. There's been a lot of jerkasses out there in the world lately and I got somethin' to say to some of them.

Michael Steele. Welcome to the TOS, Mikey. I have a feeling you may become a regular resident. It takes real cajones to tell a woman whose mother died from cancer because she couldn't afford insurance or treatment, "Congratulations, you'll probably make the news." As if she's only outraged about her mother dying just so she could make the Keith Olberman show. There's a special circle of hell waiting for guys like you. Trust me, I know.

In the same vein we have Lynn Jenkins of Kansas, belittling a waitress who can't afford health care for herself or her son. Apparently, all she needs is to "grow up" and she'll magically be able to afford health coverage. So much for the Republicans trying to be the party of the people. I guess 'Elizabeth the Waitress' doesn't have quite the same ring as 'Joe the Plumber'.

(By the way, here's what Vinnie doesn't get. If Congress passes a health care bill with an included public option, how is the government introducing socialized medicine? The public option isn't free as people would have to pay for it. It would hopefully stimulate some price competition with private insurers, which could only benefit the consumer. That sounds pretty capitalist to me, but what the fuck do I know? My brother's the omnipotent one.)

Any of the people who are angry and upset that President Obama would dare give a televised talk to children about education. It's come to this? Really? It's not as if the Pres is gonna give elementary school kids a stump speech about healthcare and cap and trade. He's gonna encourage kids to work hard, stay in school, and be good citizens. People seriously have a problem with this? Life is too short for this crap. Obama is the President, whether you voted for him or not. Who better to speak to kids about the benefits of education then the leader of the free world?

Michael Scheuer. This former CIA guy is the one who said that the best thing that could happen to the US was to be attacked by terrorists again. Seriously. And now he's saying the president is giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Sheesh. And I thought I was paranoid.

Glenn Beck. Oh man. Where did this guy come from? I asked my brother about Glenn and he just winced and walked away----across Lake Superior. I've seen a lot of shitheads in my time, but this guy . . . I really got nothin' to say about him other then the fact that he's completely fuckball batshit insane.

Texas. Go ahead, secede. You do realize that there's no way in holy hell that the federal government is going to let you keep all the military hardware scattered across Texas's various military bases, dontcha? The US will take all that shit back and make Puerto Rico the 50th state just so they won't have to change any of the flags. I give it about a month before Texas is part of Mexico. Take Alaska with you and Sarah Palin really will be able to see Russia from her house. It'll be all around her after they take over.

That's all for today. There's still plenty more douchenozzles out there, but I'm out of coldcuts. I'm going to a strip club.



Remember Sinners:


Hey kids, now you can e-mail questions and comments to Vinnie the Christ at vinniethechrist@gmail.com. Make sure you have your parents' permission.

Vinnie on Health Care

Ay-oh motherfuckers, it's your pal Vinnie the Christ. I wanna talk to you about health care. Seems like there's been a lot of lies and misdirection going on. Some people are saying that President Obama wants to convene death panels and pull the plug on the elderly. What a bunch of horseshit. All the bill wants to do is provide compensation for your doctor when you discuss your living will with them. Do you know how much it costs to talk over that shit with a lawyer? The government actually wants to save the people money and suddenly the president is a jackbooted Nazi thug. For my brother's sake, come on!

I gotta say, I'm disappointed in my buddy BHO. He's pulling that public option off the table pretty quick, considering he's got the majority needed to pass the bill. It's sweet that he wants to play nice with the conservatives, but its time to sack up and do what's best for the country. Come on Barack, put your balls where your mouth was a few months ago.

Another thing, I keep hearing people call this socialized medicine. How is the public option socialized medicine when Americans are still going to have to pay to get it? If it's a lower cost option, then won't that encourage private insurers to offer some competitive rates? Isn't that called capitalism? But hey, what the fuck do I know, I'm just the illegimate sibling of the supreme being.

Vinnie's Back

Hey bitches, what's up? I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted here. Lotta shit went down while Vinnie the C was on vacation. The worst news was that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, passed away at fifty. At least he got a few more years on Earth than the deal my brother got. Hoo boy.

And that crazy bitch in Alaska has decided to abdicate her governorship. Now she can concentrate on squeezing out more kids while hunting moose from a snowmobile. Maybe that priest missed some of the witches in her head. I know she thinks she's got the inside track to God, but I've never seen her at any of the meetings. If she runs for president on 2012, do you really want to vote for a quitter? If she couldn't handle the workload in Alaska, how is she going to run all fifty states?

I gotta go kids, Michael's gonna show the Christ brothers how to moonwalk. Good news, in heaven, he's black again!

Vinnie Says Chill the Fuck Out

Ay-Oh! Vinnie the Christ here, what's shaking blogosphere? Has it been a crazy fucking week or what? I've got a message from my brother for all of yous. Jesus says chill the fuck out, paisanos. All this fussing and fighting over gay rights, abortion, liberalism, conservatism . . .

Look, it's all just stupid bullshit, okay? Everybody needs to take a deep breath and just calm down. It's not worth shooting people over. The Beatles said it best when they said Let It Be. Course I'm more of an Elvis man myself. So settle down. Live and let live. Smoke a joint, get laid, read the Bible . . . it's all good.

Everybody got that? Good. Now quit fucking shit up down there or you'll have to deal with me. I've got your Messiah right here! Ay-Oh!